In his marvellous book Orthodoxy, G. K. Chesterton said something very interesting.
“Seriousness is not a virtue. It would be a heresy, but a much more sensible heresy, to say that seriousness is a vice. It is really a natural trend or lapse into taking one’s self gravely because it is the easiest thing to do. It is much easier to write a good Times leading article than a good joke in Punch. For solemnity flows out of men naturally, but laughter is a leap. It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light. Satan fell by the force of gravity.”
What Chesterton argues for in the above-mentioned book is a return to an oft-forgotten aspect of Christian worship: the call to joy, levity, and humour.
Therefore, because being a Christian is never boring, we have compiled up the following nine pastoral jokes to cheer up your day a little bit.
A story goes that at a recent pastors’ retreat, each minister in attendance was asked the question: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answers were as varied and as strange as the people.
A Presbyterian pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in, he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”
A mega-church charismatic pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”
A Pentecostal pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”
The fundamentalist pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”
A Baptist pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”
The Wesleyan minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”
A non-denominational pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”
A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him preach.
He asked the Vicar “Did you give notice of my visit?”.
“No” replied the vicar, “but the word seems to have got around anyway”.
The Ears Have It
Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor and the other, a preacher.
As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.
Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.
A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.
Within a few seconds, the game officer said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”
They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.
The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”
A preacher went to visit an elderly woman from his church who had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave. When he got up, he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts.
“Sister Jones,” he said,” I’m sorry I ate all of your peanuts.”
She replied, “That’s okay pastor; I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them.”
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”
“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”
“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.
One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the‘fish friar’?”
“No,” answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk’.”
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: “Genesis 3:10”.
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads “behold, I stand at the door and knock”. Genesis 3:10 says, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”
A pastor is trying to console a widower.
“Tell me, pastor, is my wife going to be in heaven?” asks the concerned husband.
“Oh yes, I’d say she most definitely is. She was always so close to the church and a devout Christian.” says the pastor enthusiastically
“Well, in that case, tell me how do I go to hell?”
“In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill and said, “Johnny what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded: “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.
The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill and said, “Johnny what is the matter? You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”
The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice, “Oh Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?”
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